Eulogies and Tributes

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Helping Create a Meaningful Eulogy

Planning a meaningful, personalized funeral is one of the most important tasks you will ever undertake. Think of the funeral as a gift to the person who died. It is your chance to think about and express the value of the life that was lived.

When personalized, the eulogy (pronounced EWE-luh-jee) is perhaps the most memorable and healing element of the funeral ceremony. This article will help you choose the right person to give the eulogy as well as offer tips for writing and presenting the eulogy.

What is the eulogy?

Also called the remembrance, the eulogy is the speech or presentation during the funeral ceremony that talks about the life and character of the person who died. The eulogy acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared in it. The eulogy typically lasts 15-20 minutes, although longer presentations may also be appropriate.

Who presents the eulogy?

The eulogy can be delivered by a clergyperson, a family member or a friend of the person who died. Instead of a traditional eulogy delivered by one person, you may choose to ask several people to speak and share their memories. There is also a growing trend toward having people attending the funeral stand up and share a memory of the person who died. This works well, especially at smaller or less formal gatherings.

What if the person presenting the eulogy didn't really know the person who died?

Keep in mind that the eulogy doesn't have to be delivered by the person leading the service. Only if your clergy person or another person facilitating the ceremony knows your family well and can speak personally about the person who died is this appropriate. If the clergyperson didn't know the person who died, it's much more meaningful to have a family member or friend give the eulogy. Or you might ask several people to speak.

If your family would feel comforted by a religious sermon during the ceremony, ask a clergyperson to give one. Just be sure to have someone else (or several people) deliver a personalized eulogy in addition to the sermon.

If you must choose someone who didn't know the person who died well, make an effort to share with him or her anecdotes and memories that are important to you. Ask yourself, "What stands out to me about this person's life?" "What are some special memories I'd like to share?" "What were sometimes I felt particularly close to this person?" "What were some admirable qualities about this person?"

What should be said during the eulogy?

We have already emphasized that the best eulogies are personalized. They include memories and anecdotes of the person's life. They also try to capture personality. If the person who died was kind, the eulogy would give examples of this kindness. If the person who died had a good sense of humor, the eulogy might relate funny stories or expressions.

The eulogy doesn't have to cover every aspect of the person's life, however. In fact, often the best eulogies are those that focus on the eulogy-giver's personal thoughts and memories. Do try to acknowledge those who were closest to the person who died as well as important achievements in the person's life, but don't feel obligated to create an exhaustive biography.

Also keep in mind that the word eulogy comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning praise or blessing. This is the time to give thanks for a person's life and to honor his or her memory. This is not the time to bring up painful or difficult memories but to emphasize the good we can find in all people.
Some tips for eulogy-givers Writing and delivering a eulogy is a loving, important gesture that merits your time and attention. Though the task may seem daunting right now, you'll find that once you start jotting down ideas, your eulogy will come together naturally. Afterwards, many who attend the funeral will thank you for your contribution, and your eulogy will be cherished always by the family and friends of the person who died.
Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Be brave. The thought of writing a speech and presenting it in public makes many people anxious. Set aside your fears for now. You can do this. Focus on the person who died and the gift you will be giving to all who knew and loved him or her.
• Think. Before you start writing, go for a long walk or drive and think about the life of the person who died. This will help you collect your thoughts and focus on writing the eulogy.
• Brainstorm. Spend half an hour (longer if you want) writing down all the thoughts, ideas and memories that come to you.
• Ask others to share memories. A good way to include others in the ceremony is to ask them to share thoughts and memories, which you can then incorporate into the eulogy.
• Look at photos. Flipping through photo albums may remind you of important qualities and memories of the person who died.
• Write a draft. Once you've brainstormed and collected memories, it's time to write the first draft. Go somewhere quiet and write it all in one sitting, start to finish. Don't worry about getting it perfect for now-just get it down on paper.
• Let it sit. If time allows, let your eulogy draft sit for a few hours or a day before revising.
• Get a second opinion. Have someone else-preferably someone who was close to the person who died-read over your draft at this point. This person can make revision suggestions and help you avoid inadvertently saying something that might offend others.
• Polish. Read over your first draft. Look for awkward phrases or stiff wording. Improve the transitions from paragraph to paragraph or thought to thought. Find adjectives and verbs that really capture the essence of the person who died.
• Present your eulogy with love. Now you need to present your eulogy. You may feel nervous, but if you can keep your focus on the person who died instead of your own fears, you'll loosen up. If you break down as you're talking, that's OK. Everyone will understand. Just stop for a few seconds, collect yourself and continue.
• Speak up. It's very important that you speak clearly and loudly so that everyone can hear you.

A Final Word

Again, the word eulogy means "praise or blessing." Your willingness to help create a personalized, meaningful eulogy is, in fact, a very real blessing.

VA National Cemeteries Now Offering Pre-Need Eligibility Determinations

Posted on March 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) announced it now provides eligibility determinations for interment in a VA national cemetery prior to the time of need. Through the Pre-Need Determination of Eligibility Program, upon request, individuals can learn if they are eligible for burial or memorialization in a VA national cemetery.

“MyVA is about looking at VA from the Veterans’ perspective, and then doing everything we can to make the Veteran Experience effective and seamless,” said Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert A. McDonald. “This new program reaffirms our commitment to providing a lifetime of benefits and services for Veterans and their families.”

Interested individuals may submit VA Form 40-10007, Application for Pre-Need Determination of Eligibility for Burial in a VA National Cemetery, and supporting documentation, such as a DD Form 214, if readily available, to the VA National Cemetery Scheduling Office by: toll-free fax at 1-855-840-8299; email to Eligibility.PreNeed@va.gov; or mail to the National Cemetery Scheduling Office, P.O. Box 510543, St. Louis, MO 63151.

VA will review applications and provide written notice of its determination of eligibility. VA will save determinations and supporting documentation in an electronic information system to expedite burial arrangements at the time of need. Because laws and personal circumstances change, upon receipt of a burial request, VA will validate all pre-need determinations in accordance with the laws in effect at that time.

VA operates 135 national cemeteries and 33 soldiers’ lots in 40 states and Puerto Rico. More than 4 million Americans, including Veterans of every war and conflict, are buried in VA’s national cemeteries. VA also provides funding to establish, expand and maintain 105 Veterans cemeteries in 47 states and territories including tribal trust lands, Guam, and Saipan. For Veterans buried in private or other cemeteries, VA provides headstones, markers or medallions to commemorate their service. In 2016, VA honored more than 345,000 Veterans and their loved ones with memorial benefits in national, state, tribal and private cemeteries.

Eligible individuals are entitled to burial in any open VA national cemetery, opening/closing of the grave, a grave liner, perpetual care of the gravesite, and a government-furnished headstone or marker or niche cover, all at no cost to the family. Veterans are also eligible for a burial flag and may be eligible for a Presidential Memorial Certificate.

Information on VA burial benefits is available from local VA national cemetery offices, from the Internet at www.cem.va.gov, or by calling VA regional offices toll-free at 800-827-1000.  To make burial arrangements at any open VA national cemetery at the time of need, call the National Cemetery Scheduling Office at 800-535-1117.

Please visit www.cem.va.gov/pre-need/ for more info!

Driving in Funeral Processions and What to Do When You Encounter One

Article: www.funeralwise.com

 

When you arrive at the funeral home or church for the funeral service, you will see funeral attendants (staff members of the funeral home) waiting to direct you to park your vehicle. The attendants will park those vehicles that will be driven in the funeral procession in rows, typically with cars being bumper to bumper. 

 

If you will not be driving in the procession, the funeral attendants will direct you to park in another area.

Top 5 Things to Know About Driving in a Funeral Procession

• You will be driving very slowly – usually 30-40 mph on roads, depending on the normal speed limit, and no more than 55 mph on the highway.
• You will need to stay close to the car in front of you in the procession – do not allow room for a vehicle not in the procession to cut in.
• Stay in line and with the procession at all times – even if means you are going through a red light at an intersection. Local traffic ordinances give a funeral procession the right-of-way, and other motorists must yield until the procession has passed. Do not leave your place in the procession line unless there is an emergency.
• The last car in the procession will have 2 funeral flags and will also have hazards lights flashing to signify to other motorists that the procession has ended and that traffic may resume.
• Once you arrive at the cemetery, a cemetery attendant will lead the procession to the gravesite or chapel, and the funeral attendant will collect the flags from your vehicle.

Immediate family members may be riding in a limousine. But if you are family or a close friend and will be driving your own vehicle in the procession, you should arrive at the funeral home or church about 45 minutes prior to the funeral to ensure that you are parked near the front of the procession. All others will be parked in the order in which they arrive.

The funeral attendant typically places a magnetic flag, usually bright orange in color, that reads “Funeral” on the car. The flag is placed on the hood of the vehicle in the front left corner, over the driver’s side. If there are many cars in the procession, the attendant may place the flag on every other vehicle or every 3rd vehicle. You will also be instructed to turn your headlights on for the drive to the cemetery. Both the funeral flags and the headlights signifies to other motorists that you are part of a funeral procession.

When the funeral service is over, the pallbearers will transport the casket outside and place it in the hearse. A funeral attendant should direct you to get in your vehicle and be ready to follow those ahead of you in the procession line.

The procession is typically led by a black sedan (known as the “lead car”) bearing white funeral flags with hazard lights flashing – this lets other motorists know that a funeral procession is moving through traffic. Following the sedan is the hearse, and then the family limousines, and then all the vehicles of those driving in the procession.

What To Do When You Encounter a Funeral Procession

Just remember that funeral processions have the right-of-way. Here are some additional Do’s and Don’ts on how to handle a funeral procession that passes through an area where you are driving:

• Do be respectful.
• Do yield – once the lead car has entered traffic, such as going through an intersection – the entire procession will follow without interruption. Even if their traffic light is red and yours is green, you must stop and allow the procession to continue through the intersection until all cars in the procession have passed.
• Do look for the last vehicle in the procession – it typically has 2 or more flags and a hazard lights flashing. Once it passes by, you may resume the normal flow of traffic.
• Don’t cut into or cut off a procession.
• Don’t honk at a car in a funeral procession.
• Don’t pass a funeral procession on the right side on a highway, unless the procession is in the far left lane.

Vehicle Choices for the Funeral Procession

Funeral homes and other service providers offer various types of vehicles to transport the deceased and the family during the course of a funeral. They are:

• Funeral Coach
Also known as a hearse, a funeral coach is the traditional choice for transporting the casket in processions between service locations and to the cemetery. Because of the room required for the casket, there is no additional seating in this vehicle for anyone other than the driver and the funeral director.

• Limousine
These are elegant vehicles that are typically used to transport family members in funeral processions.

• Funeral Service Vehicles
These may include sedans or vans that are generally less expensive options to using a funeral coach and limousine. Service vehicles are also used.


Article: www.funeralwise.com